I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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