I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
