I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just had sex on a roof
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
