My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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