I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
