There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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