I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
