Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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