This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
