so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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