11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
