Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
