I puked a lego.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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