im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
