Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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