Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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