I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
