Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
