She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
