Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
