her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
