i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
