if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
