Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
