I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
