I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
