phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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