I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
