sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
