yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
