dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
