oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
