Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
