i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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