I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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