I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
