R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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