He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
