is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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