Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
