Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
