I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
