She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
