I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
