woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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