how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
