why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
