I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
