Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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