I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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