your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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